I’ve lost my identity
This morning I felt empty, like I’d maybe left my bag on the train.
It was an unusual feeling, accompanied by a low level feeling of anxiety and a bit of fear.
It’s not usually long before a voice will whisper to me what I need to look at in the mirror. ‘Identity’ was what came to me.
Ok, what does that mean? I connect and it appears that I’ve lost my identity. Now before you send out a search party and make a missing poster, I’m not actually looking for it back!
What has been given to me is that our identity is what we use to keep us safe, our ego creates to keep us safe and protected from the real us.
We are so unlimited and powerful, but our ego doesn’t want us to know this and we have layers of conditioning, programming and beliefs that will keep the lid on the best version of us.
When you start to do inner work (I have done a lot!), you start to remove these layers until you get closer to you.
Many of mine were created by feelings of abandonment, a lock down of my emotions and trauma from being separated from my mum when I was younger. She was regularly taken into psychiatric care after manic episodes. I wasn’t told why, I just knew that she had left. Of course, I thought it was all my fault.
I have always avoided situations where I could be potentially abandoned. Close relationships and trusting people with my emotions.
An intensive look at this under the recent eclipse energy showed revelation after revelation of learnt behaviours and patterns that have been created by this.
To add a layer to this, I also realised that I always had a sense that if I did something wrong, then someone I loved would abandon me because I must have been unloveable right for someone to abandon me? So I’ve felt unloveable even when I know that there are people that love me. I have a loving husband, so I’ve managed to overwrite this on a surface level.
So I didn’t do things that would take me outside of my comfort zone, grow me or take me into the dizzying heights of my true potential.
The result being that I had been playing it small with a dose of self-sabotage in case I get any big ideas.
This all left me feeling raw, confused and with a sense of emptiness. I released wave after wave of emotion that I had been holding from years of pain and protecting myself.
I truly understand what the impact of having abandonment issues means and the trail of destruction that it leaves.
I have entered a period of reflection as I get used to me. Me without the fears, without the caution, with love, with compassion for myself. With the realisation that I am bigger than I was on so many levels. On a soul and spirit level, on a growth level, on a potential level.
Whatever you have been through, there is a way out. It might be messy, snotty and painful. It’s also beautiful, peaceful and shows a strength that you never thought you had.
We are one and we are all here to help you heal.
Oh and watch out world, here I am.